Hi everyone I guess you all know by now my name is Kath,

I am a woman who was in an abusive marriage for almost 28yrs
I met and married my abuser when I was almost 16 yrs old
By the age of 20 I had given birth to 3 sons suffer the lost of a beautiful baby girl (stillborn) and had been physically, sexually, verbally and mentally abused for 4yrs The physical abuse went on for another 8yrs but the mental, sexually and verbal abuse never did stop until that day I walked away for the last time.

I wrote a book about the terror I lived with and put it out there to hopefully help others who are heading down the same path of pain and torture that I survived from. My book is an eBook and you can only buy it online. It can be read on tablet, iPads and computers.

Her is a little preview of what’s inside the book

I could still see where he tried to fix the wall by the entryway to hide a big hole that he had kicked into it and how it was stuffed with paper, stuffed with bags, taped and plastered; if you pushed in on it, it would move back and forth and come close to breaking. All of this would go through my head as I would look around the house. Whenever I looked in the living room and I could only remember the time he had held me against the wall choking me. I could see myself on the outside of the window peeking in to see if he had gone to bed so that I could try to sneak back in after he had kicked me out into the dark so many times. I would see the corner where he would have the gas can and an axe when he would tell us he was burning the house. The stairs were all nicely done now, but I would always be able to see that they had chop marks in them because he had taken an axe and chopped up all my clothes and shoes one time when I was trying to leave him. I would see the bathroom where I had spent so many nights either trying to hang on to a little sanity or maybe trying to let it go, but always praying for courage to end it all. No matter how much he tried to dress up the house and cover all the terrible things that were done to it, he could never repair what he had done to my mind.

I have to warn you the book may be triggering by some so if you do want to purchase it, please keep that in mind … Here is the link below:

https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/JingleJangleChic

 

Lost of Innocence

Lost Of Innocence
I knew a young girl once just starting on love’s path
She was so carefree and happy and would always make you laugh
Then one day she fell in love and her world suddenly all changed
Her life soon become full of heartache and she was playing grown up games

She couldn’t understand how someone who loved her would want to hurt her so
She was now trapped in a world of pain and had no place to go
The first time that he hurt her was the day her innocence died
So she began to look for a place deep inside herself for somewhere safe to hide

Each time he raised his hand to her he would tell her she was to blame
So she would look for ways to change but her life remained the same
She traveled deeper inside herself until she had lost sight of day
She couldn’t understand what she had done and why her life had to be this way

Now this carefree girl of long ago was bruised and hurting and she felt so ashamed
She thought the world would look at her and know the truth that she was the one to blame
She believed when he would tell her she would never make it on her own
And because no one else would ever want her this prison would always be her home

So she settled in to her life of pain and decided maybe this was where she was meant to be
For she was just a nobody that could do nothing right as she was sure the world could see
She raised her children the best she could trying to shield them from the pain and strife
She thought taking them and leaving would be so tough and it would ruin their life

Then one day the pain all stopped and he raised his hand to her no more
He told her he was so sorry and wished he could take back what he had done before
But it was to late by then the damage and scars he had made would never mend
And the love she once felt for him she had buried so deep never to be find again

So her family all raised the best she could she had no reason now to stay
She packed her bags and walked out the door and ran so far away
She soon found out that life out there wasn’t at all like he said it would be
And yes someone else did want her and his love for her would fill a sea

She still has the scars and pain inside her and some days they come back to hurt her so But she’s slowly finding that carefree girl she buried so long ago

© KBair

 

 

So ya I write poems too

Sitting alone trying so hard to understand my life and how this came to be.  Searching for someone to understand how living with this emptiness feels to me. Living so alone missing so many memories not knowing which way I should go. Why can’t someone help me find my past a past that I know had hurt me so.

Why can’t someone turn the key and unlock the terrible secrets buried deep. Please can’t you find all the missing pieces and return my memories for me to keep.  No one should live in darkness wondering what had happen or how their life was shaped. These missing years were mine and mine alone and not for someone else to so cruelly take.

I walk alone down a path of darkness with fireflies casting little drops of light. But then there are so many secrets scattered on the pathway hidden  from my sight. It’s all so overwhelming trying to stop all the thoughts that scream inside my head. There are no answers for me just pain and confusion trying to sort out the life I lead.

I know from what I can remember my path has been filled with much hardship and pain. I know I seen many days of sunshine but mostly I have faced the bitter cold and rain. What did they do to me that caused me to hide and protect myself by blocking out the past.  Without knowing all these answers I know my need to search will remain and my pain will always last.

I need someone to take my hand and walk with me for I must never be alone. Although I need and want to find these missing years I must not do it on my own. This lost and innocent woman needs someone when the past resurfaces to dry her falling tears. So please come and let me lean on you  and walk slowly while I search for my missing years.

 

©KathBaiR ……From Lost of Innocence