Seems I have lost my way its so dark around me I can barely see
I stumble daily not knowing where this dark thorn covered path is leading me
Where can I run where I can hide when I know off the path is so unsafe and unsure
If only I could fixed this never ending pain that has burned its way down into my soul’s core
I glance back over the journey I have taken on this path and life has not been kind
I have never been able to count on anyone to make me feel secure and show me someday all would be fine
No one can be trusted with this heart of mine my feeling I must guard they all just tell me empty lies
Why should I open myself to anymore pain no one can fill this emptiness or take away my souls sad cries
My eyes only see this path as a straight path to and from destruction and a never ending life of pain
I must stay here in the dark and try to find the person I have hidden away to protect her from going insane
How can I handle all this guilt that I have to carry forever and all the lost tears I have cried
I fall on my knees and feel the thorns piercing into my skin yet a welcome pain from what I feel inside
I have no idea what is happening to me but the last few days I have been enjoying life so much. It all started when Mike had to have a hernia repair surgery last Wednesday, it was something I was dreading because I was scared that now I was going to have to step up and look after Mike and do things like drive the car, take out the trash, feed the fur babies and lift all things heavy!
Well day one I got up and Mike drove to the hospital and they got him prepped for surgery. Once they took him into the operating room I decided to go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch and this may sound weird but I was scared, not of the surgery but me without Mike …. I made my way to the cafeteria safely and as I eat my lunch I thought about how dependent I had become on Mike because of my illnesses. I looked around and I saw other woman even older than me just walking around and doing things that I had long given up because of my pain.
Then I thought how unfair to myself and Mike I had become, I had let pain win and was slowly giving up my independence that I had worked so hard to obtain and piled so much on Mike. Now let me be cleared Mike has never complained once about doing things for me and having to go everywhere I wanted or had to go but come on we all know it had to be tiring.
I decided right then and there to start getting my life back and take some worries from the wonderful man in surgery. I love him so much and he is my best friend and yes I always want to share every part of my life with him and be a part of his life forever
He came out of surgery and I actually found my way back to his room and visited with him for a couple of hours and then left to drive home. I drove all the way home myself and done all the things that Mike would usually do and I was fine. I even stayed up an hour later then I normally would and slept so good, with the light left on in the closet of course 🙂
The next few days I drove back to the hospital got Mike and then drove to another near by town and got groceries and got them up over the stairs myself. It hurt a lot doing that but I learned not to get so many groceries at once 🙂 Yesterday Mike and I went to the lake and I even walked the beaches and had a great time.
I know I have a lot of things going on right now with my knees, mental issues and fibromyalgia pain but I am not going to let it steal my life. I want to move back home (USA) more than anyone could ever imagine but I am taking one day at a time and learning to ……….
I woke up this morning feeling good. My mind was more clearer than it has been for awhile, I still had my pain but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.
I don’t know what is happening to be since I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia it seems I go through period when the pain is so unbearable I cry and beg God to help me I also get into some kind of mind fog where I stumble through the days putting vegetable in the freezer part of my fridge instead of the vegetable drawer and open the cabinet doors above my microwave to put something in there to reheat. I stand at my fridge with the door open for so long sometimes wondering what I wanted the alarm goes off for the door.
I don’t know how to handle this new me. I struggle with spelling and sometime I will type words that is not at all what I was supposing to be typing. I get so frustrated with myself I mumble insults to myself about myself. I guess now I talk to myself.
I miss me, that would go to a movie theater and watch a two hour movie or go for long drives and enjoy every moment. I miss me, that could walk through flea markets for hours. I miss me, that had the most beautiful relationship with my husband. I miss all the things we did, some I can talk about and some you don’t want me to talk about.
Where is that me? I told Mike yesterday after going out and getting groceries and coming back in pain that this was my life now forever and eternity and just to hear myself say those words made ME cry
“I have been hanging here headless for so long that the body has forgotten
why or where or when it happened and the toes walk along in shoes
that do not care” –Charles Bukowski