Sitting alone trying so hard to understand my life and how this came to be. Searching for someone to understand how living with this emptiness feels to me. Living so alone missing so many memories not knowing which way I should go. Why can’t someone help me find my past a past that I know had hurt me so.
Why can’t someone turn the key and unlock the terrible secrets buried deep. Please can’t you find all the missing pieces and return my memories for me to keep. No one should live in darkness wondering what had happen or how their life was shaped. These missing years were mine and mine alone and not for someone else to so cruelly take.
I walk alone down a path of darkness with fireflies casting little drops of light. But then there are so many secrets scattered on the pathway hidden from my sight. It’s all so overwhelming trying to stop all the thoughts that scream inside my head. There are no answers for me just pain and confusion trying to sort out the life I lead.
I know from what I can remember my path has been filled with much hardship and pain. I know I seen many days of sunshine but mostly I have faced the bitter cold and rain. What did they do to me that caused me to hide and protect myself by blocking out the past. Without knowing all these answers I know my need to search will remain and my pain will always last.
I need someone to take my hand and walk with me for I must never be alone. Although I need and want to find these missing years I must not do it on my own. This lost and innocent woman needs someone when the past resurfaces to dry her falling tears. So please come and let me lean on you and walk slowly while I search for my missing years.
©KathBaiR ……From Lost of Innocence
What if I told you that I was professionally diagnosed with all my symptoms and it really pisses me off that you people who are having a bad month and wants pity will self diagnose yourself with depression, anxiety disorder and even PTSD?
Do you really think that its great having those illnesses and it makes you look cool? Ask someone who was diagnosed by a doctor to have these illnesses if they feel cool or want pity.
What if I told you it hurt me and insulted me every time you say I’m so depressed when all you are feeling is down over something that happen?.
What if I told you about a day when my depression is at its worst and how my day would go, would you even care?
My day begins when I awake at 4am with a million thoughts consuming my mind and still tired because I didn’t really get any sleep except for a few times my sleeping pill left me to choice but to pass out. So I get up so I won’t wake my husband and toss and turn in the guest room for two or three hours until my husband gets up to go to work.
Then I go back to my bed and watch the news or check out Facebook until 11am. Then I will get up with my PJs on and wash my face and go out into the living room and close all the blinds my husband had opened before he left for work and sit until I am forced by the dropping of my glucose to get something to eat. I will go back to bed several times that day and get a bath where I lay there on really bad days and like I said before think about being dead. I don’t think about killing myself all the time mostly just the thought in my head how death wouldn’t be so bad.
Shortly before my husband gets home I will try to look as nice as anyone can with PJs still on at 4pm, sometimes I will open the blinds again and prepare a meal.
On these days when I am feeling at my worst my husband will usually come home with some take out food and we will eat and then go lay on the bed where I will put my head on his shoulder and he will tell me about his days and I will tell him about mine and then he will tell me all the reasons why he loves me and how I am the most wonderful person alive because I will say “tell me baby”. He will tell me how sorry he is that I have to live with pain and depression and I will tell him how being with him makes me fight everyday of my life so I can have more good days than bad and give back to him when he’s in need of comfort and encouragement.
What if I told you that was my depression
Have you ever felt like you didn’t exist or belong in a certain place anymore? I know a lot of you may say yes to that question but have you ever felt like you could change your name, location and disappear from everyone around you now and maybe one or two people would even notice?
I often look back over my shoulder to see where I came from and where I am now and usually here lately I turn my head back forward and I feel nothing but thankfulness.This time when I looked back over my shoulder I lingered too long and just like real life if you turn your neck for too long it gets cramped and it makes it hard to move it. Well that’s what happen to me, instead of the quick glances that I have been taking lately to just see my near by past, I looked and looked until I was back so far the path ahead became far away.
I looked back over troubled times and how much I have lost in just these last 5 years. I analysed relationships and pondered over how alone and isolated I felt. Needless to say I then began to see myself in a very bad light. I thought how I must be such a bad person, a person so hard to love, a person that didn’t really matter to anyone.
I have to say before I go any further that I have the most wonderful, loving, caring husband on earth and the days since I met him where I felt isolated or alone because of him are very few and some of those few days were my own doing. I love him and I never doubt his love.
I just have to get my neck back around all the way and come to a conclusion that all of my hurts, disappointments and heartbreaks are not always because I did something wrong or I made bad choices. Sometimes I may have done everything right and I am a good person whose life got affected by other people who made bad choices maybe because of their hurt.
I am still depressed but still fighting it now by looking more forward while I still remain in the present. I see that I have a lot to be thankful for and I am not unlovable or a bad person and I do matter. “I am enough”
That’s my thoughts for today, now I’m off to get a slice of toast and pour tea over it and cover it with sugar because someone reminded me how I felt when I would eat that as a child.