What if …cont’d

What if I told you that I was professionally diagnosed with all my symptoms and it really pisses me off that you people who are having a bad month and wants pity will self diagnose yourself with depression, anxiety disorder and even PTSD?

Do you really think that its great having those illnesses and it makes you look cool? Ask someone who was diagnosed by a doctor to have these illnesses if they feel cool or want pity.

What if I told you it hurt me and insulted me every time you say I’m so depressed when all you are feeling is down over something that happen?.

What if I told you about a day when my depression is at its worst and how my day would go, would you even care?

My day begins when I awake at 4am with a million thoughts consuming my mind and still tired because I didn’t really get any sleep except for a few times my sleeping pill left me to choice but to pass out. So I get up so I won’t wake my husband and toss and turn in the guest room for two or three hours until my husband gets up to go to work.

Then I go back to my bed and watch the news or check out Facebook until 11am. Then I will get up with my PJs on and wash my face and go out into the living room and close all the blinds my husband had opened before he left for work and sit until I am forced by the dropping of my glucose to get something to eat. I will go back to bed several times that day and get a bath where I lay there on really bad days and like I said before think about being dead. I don’t think about killing myself all the time mostly just the thought in my head how death wouldn’t be so bad.

Shortly before my husband gets home I will try to look as nice as anyone can with PJs still on at 4pm, sometimes I will open the blinds again and prepare a meal.

On these days when I am feeling at my worst my husband will usually come home with some take out food and we will eat and then go lay on the bed where I will put my head on his shoulder and he will tell me about his days and I will tell him about mine and then he will tell me all the reasons why he loves me and how I am the most wonderful person alive because I will say “tell me baby”.  He will tell me how sorry he is that I have to live with pain and depression and I will tell him how being with him makes me fight everyday of my life so I can have more good days than bad and give back to him when he’s in need of comfort and encouragement.

What if I told you that was my depression

Sometimes I wondered

Hi my friends I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and especially to my friends and family in Newfoundland I hope it was safe

It’s cold here in Camlachie today, I think fall is here to stay I just wish there wasn’t such a quick change in the temp. I can remember way back when we would gradually go into each season now its like within a couple hour period.

So I have already been out to my porch this morning with my cup of tea, admiring the beauty all around this place that I am fortunate to call home. As usual when I set out on the porch my thoughts are wandering all over the place and this morning was no different. I started to think about the troubles back in Newfoundland with the roads washing out in the town I grew up in and how everyone back there is keeping everyone updated on Facebook and how we are so lucky to have a place to do that

I then started to think about the relationships I have lost these past two months and some of them very special to me and how Facebook had played such a big part in that. How things are so easily said on there or in a private message conversation that would probably never have been said in a phone conversation.
I thought how easy it is for even adults to misinterpret things posted on someone’s page or how this one answered this one but not mine and you began to wonder what did you do.
I have said things and had things said to me this past two months that there is no way in hell I would have said it to that persons face or even on the phone. Things that make it so hard now to pick up the phone and fix it.

Than I thought about how we depend on Facebook to be our way of staying in touch with relatives and friends and what happens if they or us decides to go off Facebook,oh yeah I forgot we can always text them and ask why they are off Facebook.

Life has become so convenient some would say but I think its become so impersonal and uncaring. It makes me ashamed and sad that even when I am finish posting this I will share it on Facebook for everyone to see and then go about my day and not trying to personally with voice fix the things that just words have played such a big part in these past few months.

I wonder did Simon and Garfunkel know that even 2016 there song would be so meaningful

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence