Who made you god? You don’t own me.

I WANT PAIN PILLS!!! Who do you think you are doctor of mine? Who gave you the right to decide how much pain I have to bear? Who gave you the wisdom to even think that if you gave me a higher dose of pain medication I would become addicted and one day roam the streets slutting myself for a fix?.

Every damn miserable day of my life I am suffering in pain and you take your pen and write me my allotment of comfort like you are the blessed drug dealer of medicine.

Tramadol/Ace 37.5/325 mg just enough opioid to render a snail helpless and a high dose of acetaminophen made only to leave your liver and kidneys shriveled and useless. So explain to me again why I can’t have a reasonable  dose of pain medication.

Why do you think it’s okay for me to live everyday in pain and refuse me any sensible plan of relief but to write prescriptions for me to abuse the high dose of acetaminophen and render vital organs of my body to uselessness.

Can you just take away my misery and let me be a painless unhappy drug addict.

I’M TRYING, I REALLY AM

I just got through, no, got through sounds like some kind of victory.  I just crawled while crying and begging for death through two of the most painful days I have had since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I can honestly say I know how it feels when every fiber of your body is hurting, not something I wanted the distinct honor of proclaiming but I know nevertheless.

I have to confess when you are laying in bed and the only thing that is mildly working is your brain and its reasoning and facts are somewhat distorted, you come up with a lot of crazy shit. For example the few minutes I sent myself in a free falling panic when I thought about how having a terminal illness would be easier to deal with because at least there was a foreseeable ending.

Although there are rare days when I  can actually make it through a day without the aid of pain medication or when walking down the hallway to the bathroom doesn’t seem like a hike on the Appalachian Trail, days when I act like I’m a normal overweight fifty nine year old who has slowed down a little with age and extra padding, there are actually hundreds of more days when I cry,  get angry and flip off a maybe existing god that could be so cruel to let the remaining of my days be so painful.

I have so many start over positive days I’ve lost count. I try  not to let the pain get the best of me and send me into a depression but it seems the fight is getting harder everyday. I fight to hang on to my life and on days when I feel maybe thirty percent of a person my age and extra padding level would feel, I work like a son of a bitch to prove to everyone around me and of course to the maybe existing god and myself that I am normal, so fuck you!

Then the next few days I am sent to my bed to cry and hurt while I think about all the things I did wrong on my somewhat good day.

Living with fibromyalgia is not easy, its a struggle everyday even *good days* and when you see me and I can carry on a conversation and shop at a thrift store for an hour or ride in my car as a passenger of course for a couple of hour or go grocery shopping,  please know I am trying my best and before I left home I prepared for my day by taking double doses of pain medication, put on a bra that doesn’t feel like its digging into my body and will have to be surgically removed and nine chances out of ten no panties because I can’t stand the feel of the elastic on my skin and a handicap sticker so I won’t have to walk as far back to the car. ……………..hereiam

Bloom damn it Bloom :)

I have no idea what is happening to me but the last few days I have been enjoying life so much. It all started when Mike had to have a hernia repair surgery last Wednesday, it was something I was dreading because I was scared that now I was going to have to step up and look after Mike and do things like drive the car, take out the trash, feed the fur babies and lift all things heavy!

Well day one I got up and Mike drove to the hospital and they got him prepped for surgery. Once they took him into the operating room I decided to go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch and this may sound weird but I was scared, not of the surgery but me without Mike …. I made my way to the cafeteria safely and as I eat my lunch I thought about how dependent I had become on Mike because of my illnesses. I looked around and I saw other woman even older than me just walking around and doing things that I had long given up because of my pain.

Then I thought how unfair to myself and Mike I had become, I had let pain win and was slowly giving up my independence that I had worked so hard to obtain  and piled so much on Mike. Now let me be cleared Mike has never complained once about doing things for me and having to go everywhere I wanted or had to go but come on we all know it had to be tiring.

I decided right then and there to start getting my life back and take some worries from the wonderful man in surgery. I love him so much and he is my best friend and yes I always want to share every part of my life with him and be a part of his life forever

He came out of surgery and I actually found my way back to his room and visited with him for a couple of hours and then left to drive home. I drove all the way home myself and done all the things that Mike would usually do and I was fine. I even stayed up an hour later then I normally would and slept so good, with the light left on in the closet of course 🙂

The next few days I drove back to the hospital got Mike and then drove to another near by town and got groceries and got them up over the stairs myself. It hurt a lot doing that but I learned not to get so many groceries at once 🙂 Yesterday Mike and I went to the lake and I even walked the beaches and had a great time.

I know I have a lot of things going on right now with my knees, mental issues and fibromyalgia pain but I am not going to let it steal my life. I want to move back home (USA) more than anyone could ever imagine but I am taking one day at a time and learning to ……….

 

bloom

 

 

What is happening to me

I woke up this morning feeling good. My mind was more clearer than it has been for awhile, I still had my pain but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.

I don’t know what is happening to be since I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia it seems I go through period when the pain is so unbearable I cry and beg God to help me I also get into some kind of mind fog where I stumble through the days putting vegetable in the freezer part of my fridge instead of the vegetable drawer and open the cabinet doors above my microwave to put something in there to reheat. I stand at my fridge with the door open for so long sometimes wondering what I wanted the alarm goes off for the door.

I don’t know how to handle this new me. I struggle with spelling and sometime I will type words that is not at all what I was supposing to be typing. I get so frustrated with myself I mumble insults to myself about myself. I guess now I talk to myself.

I miss me, that would go to a movie theater and watch a two hour movie or go for long drives and enjoy every moment. I miss me, that could walk through flea markets for hours. I miss me, that had the most beautiful relationship with my husband. I miss all the things we did, some I can talk about and some you don’t want me to talk about.

Where is that me? I told Mike yesterday after going out and getting groceries and coming back in pain that this was my life now forever and eternity and just to hear myself say those words made ME cry

“I have been hanging here headless for so long that the body has forgotten
why or where or when it happened and the toes walk along in shoes
that do not care”   –Charles Bukowski