Hi everyone I guess you all know by now my name is Kath,

I am a woman who was in an abusive marriage for almost 28yrs
I met and married my abuser when I was almost 16 yrs old
By the age of 20 I had given birth to 3 sons suffer the lost of a beautiful baby girl (stillborn) and had been physically, sexually, verbally and mentally abused for 4yrs The physical abuse went on for another 8yrs but the mental, sexually and verbal abuse never did stop until that day I walked away for the last time.

I wrote a book about the terror I lived with and put it out there to hopefully help others who are heading down the same path of pain and torture that I survived from. My book is an eBook and you can only buy it online. It can be read on tablet, iPads and computers.

Her is a little preview of what’s inside the book

I could still see where he tried to fix the wall by the entryway to hide a big hole that he had kicked into it and how it was stuffed with paper, stuffed with bags, taped and plastered; if you pushed in on it, it would move back and forth and come close to breaking. All of this would go through my head as I would look around the house. Whenever I looked in the living room and I could only remember the time he had held me against the wall choking me. I could see myself on the outside of the window peeking in to see if he had gone to bed so that I could try to sneak back in after he had kicked me out into the dark so many times. I would see the corner where he would have the gas can and an axe when he would tell us he was burning the house. The stairs were all nicely done now, but I would always be able to see that they had chop marks in them because he had taken an axe and chopped up all my clothes and shoes one time when I was trying to leave him. I would see the bathroom where I had spent so many nights either trying to hang on to a little sanity or maybe trying to let it go, but always praying for courage to end it all. No matter how much he tried to dress up the house and cover all the terrible things that were done to it, he could never repair what he had done to my mind.

I have to warn you the book may be triggering by some so if you do want to purchase it, please keep that in mind … Here is the link below:

https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/JingleJangleChic

 

Lost of Innocence

Lost Of Innocence
I knew a young girl once just starting on love’s path
She was so carefree and happy and would always make you laugh
Then one day she fell in love and her world suddenly all changed
Her life soon become full of heartache and she was playing grown up games

She couldn’t understand how someone who loved her would want to hurt her so
She was now trapped in a world of pain and had no place to go
The first time that he hurt her was the day her innocence died
So she began to look for a place deep inside herself for somewhere safe to hide

Each time he raised his hand to her he would tell her she was to blame
So she would look for ways to change but her life remained the same
She traveled deeper inside herself until she had lost sight of day
She couldn’t understand what she had done and why her life had to be this way

Now this carefree girl of long ago was bruised and hurting and she felt so ashamed
She thought the world would look at her and know the truth that she was the one to blame
She believed when he would tell her she would never make it on her own
And because no one else would ever want her this prison would always be her home

So she settled in to her life of pain and decided maybe this was where she was meant to be
For she was just a nobody that could do nothing right as she was sure the world could see
She raised her children the best she could trying to shield them from the pain and strife
She thought taking them and leaving would be so tough and it would ruin their life

Then one day the pain all stopped and he raised his hand to her no more
He told her he was so sorry and wished he could take back what he had done before
But it was to late by then the damage and scars he had made would never mend
And the love she once felt for him she had buried so deep never to be find again

So her family all raised the best she could she had no reason now to stay
She packed her bags and walked out the door and ran so far away
She soon found out that life out there wasn’t at all like he said it would be
And yes someone else did want her and his love for her would fill a sea

She still has the scars and pain inside her and some days they come back to hurt her so But she’s slowly finding that carefree girl she buried so long ago

© KBair

 

 

People who live in glass houses …………

I have been doing some research on domestic violence laws,  relationship laws and age of consent in Canada and I have had some real eye openers!

I know we all have so many causes to fight for these days and often some pretty harsh realties get lost in our fights but is that any reason to be unschooled  in what shapes our country in the present and future?

We think we are so far ahead in Canada and we have so much freedom, which we do but there are still so many laws in place that prevent women young and old from gaining equality.

Here are some examples of laws that were and how they have changed in my lifetime. You make the judgement if its a giant step forward.

In 1890 the age of consent was changed from twelve to fourteen years old so up to that time there was a period of time when the age a child would be considered to give consent for any sexual activity would be twelve.

In 2008 the then Prime Minster, Harper raised the age of consent to sixteen with the close in age exception which states that twelve to fourteen year olds could have sex with someone two years older than them and fourteen and fifteen year olds can  have sex with people who are five years older with the exceptions of course of people in authority and relatives. It also states that children under twelve years of age can never legally consent to sexual activity and there are exceptions to the law of whet you can’t do before the age of eighteen and they are  The other person has a relationship of trust or authority over them, or they are dependent on that person. People in positions of trust or authority include, for example, a teacher, coach, babysitter, family member, minister or doctor; it involves exploitative activity, such as prostitution or pornography; they are paid, or offered payment, for sex  and  if there is anal sex (unless they are a legally married couple).

So it took one hundred and eighteen years to come this far and is it really all that much further?, sure I’m  glad to know my twelve year old granddaughters can’t give consent to have sex but I’m hoping their parents are making sure of that but now  what about children that are fourteen and think they are eighteen if it benefits them. Who is looking after them? Who is making sure that they are not having sex with a nineteen year old or a fifteen year old having sex with a twenty year old? It that really so much better. You cannot be consider an adult to sign a contract unless you are eighteen but you can give consent for sex

Why are we so content to live quietly in a country where it takes a government one hundred and eighteen years to change a law that was perverted and immoral.

Then there are the laws that affect women who are victims or survivors of domestic violence . Here are some examples of them, lets see how far or how long it took for changes. Lets start with this one:

In 1983 the law was changed making sexually assaulting your wife a crime before that law a wife was legally considered to be the property of her husband! So when that law came into affect I was twenty five years old and had been married in Newfoundland for over nine years. I had given birth to three children, been severely physically and sexually abused by my husband, been through the devastation of a stillborn, an hysterectomy, all over a period of nine years and three months.

I didn’t even know about this law but now when I think about the community where all this took place and I wondered when I screamed and ran from my house crying, battered and beaten and pleading for someone to help me, no one helped me, now I know why!

Previous before the 1980’s arrest wasn’t mandatory or charges laid by the police when a wife called them for being beaten, all that burden was on the wife and back then a husband would only be charged with assault and probably didn’t even get jail time. It took until the early 1980s for the No-Drop law to come in affect making impossible for the woman or spouse to drop charges and even to this day not much is done unless someone dies.

Please don’t get me wrong  I’m glad those changes came but why did it take so long? Can we expect it to take that long again for changes to come?

I walked away from the place I had lived and been abused for twenty eight years with a garbage bag with a few items of clothes and sixty dollars I had stole from my grown son and I had been abused, brain washed, tortured beyond belief and yet I was expected to follow the law of having two years to heal from that and decide if I wanted to fight for any properties or compensation for all my injuries. I had left my abuser and still calling him seeking his approval for my choices in the first two years after I left! The laws are appalling!!!

According to canadianwomen.org;

In Canada seven point four  billion dollars is paid from tax payers monies just for the aftercare of  domestic violence victims.

Sixty seven percent of Canadians know at least one woman who have suffered physical or sexual abuse

Twenty six percent of women who are murdered by abusers had already left

Sixty four percent of battered women exhibits symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

So with all that I raise these questions; Why are we just concerned about other countries laws and rituals when we are in so much trouble in our own. I never had a daughter because she was the stillborn I suffered but I would be a little scared to hand her this country that moves so slowly when it comes to doing what is right.

We celebrate Canada being one hundred and fifty years old on July the first and I am proud of my country but we need to keep fighting for what is right and be more informed on what we have and what we need. It’s nice to help feed the hungry in other countries and march for the freedoms of women in the Middle East but don’t forget about us.

 

 

Independence Day

Today 16 years ago I walked out of a life that had broken and battered me so bad. It had stolen my identity, voice and soul. I hate looking back to it but today is a good day to glance back if only to say “Fuck you asshole, I can have a life without you and its so much better than anything you ever threw my way. The day I left I started a journey that has surpassed anything I could have ever imagined that day!

The abuse that I suffered for 28 years have left its scars and the few memories I do have of that time comes back as monsters that rip and tear through my body and mind and leave me some night in a crumpled mess but today is not the day to dwell on that.

I left the small town I had lived in and then left the island I had lived all my life and the rest of the story is beautiful 🙂

I met my now husband online and right from day one we both knew we were meant to be together. We met in person 4 months after we met online and its now almost 16 years together.

I love him like I have never loved before and I feel a love from him that brings tears to my eyes just to think of. He is my best friend, lover, companion and safe place. He challenges me daily to be strong, brave, soft and loveable in the most peaceful and quiet way I have ever seen.

I’ve been to 27 states and lived in 5 of them and we are now back in Ontario Canada but the US will always be where I want to be because its there I had my first real home

9428-I-Am-So-Proud-Of-Me

 

 

So today I celebrate my freedom and the wonderful life I have now. I celebrate my braveness for walking away that day. I celebrate the strong woman I have become and I celebrate that I had the courage to let myself be loved and to allow myself to love. Happy Independence Day to me!!!!!

 

 

 

Cheers to me and the wonderful man that showed me what true unconditional love is all about!

 

untitledwine

I remember the days ✓

Have you ever been humbled first thing in the morning by a comment someone makes or a comment you see online. Well it happen to me today.

I have be going around the last couple of years now wondering if there was a God, sometimes denying it  and how silly it all was and blaming the non-existent god for every wrong thing that was going on in my life. I blamed him for all my pain, for all my financial troubles and all the over all conditions of my life.

Then yesterday one of my best friend in the world  messaged and told me she was in the hospital and I got really scared and said “Please God look after Melissa” and that was the start of my reminder that yes I can pray and when I do sometimes shit happens.

Then this morning I laid in bed and was thinking of all my pain and other troubles and I found myself saying “God help me please”. Now let me finish before you all start thinking praise Jesus she is getting religious because that will never happen, you will never see me in a church ( I hate that word so much I feel like I need to rinse my mouth) I am also sure that the God that they talk about is  not the same as my idea of the word God

So I got up and came out to my computer to find a number to cancel an appointment I had made and when I was done I went to Instagram and this comment below was what I seen and it stopped me dead in my tracks and demanded I think about what it said.Image1.jpg god

I started to remember the days when I prayed for someone to come get me and love me so many years ago  and now I live with him everyday ✓

I remember the days on a dirt road in Newfoundland when I saw my life being taken and praying for it not to happen and here I am still alive ✓

I remember the days praying for happiness and safety and watched as it happen ✓

I remember the days I felt so alone and praying for Mike to recover from his head injury  and then watched him recover ✓

I remember the days praying when we didn’t know where money was going to come from  and watching as the impossible happened ✓

I remember the days when I made plans to move back to Canada and praying it would happen and now I live in Canada ✓

I remember the days praying for a place where I could rest and enjoy while I got over my depressions  and I live in the country with a porch ✓

I remember days when praying as doors closed and watching new and better ones open ✓

I am still really sure that maybe the God that we were taught to believe in and what we were told he stands for does not exist but I do believe in praying, whether its just saying it and having faith it will happen or as simple as wishing on a star

“When You Wish Upon A Star”

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do 

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wished upon a star
Your dreams come true

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

When you wish upon a star
Your dream comes true

So ya I write poems too

Sitting alone trying so hard to understand my life and how this came to be.  Searching for someone to understand how living with this emptiness feels to me. Living so alone missing so many memories not knowing which way I should go. Why can’t someone help me find my past a past that I know had hurt me so.

Why can’t someone turn the key and unlock the terrible secrets buried deep. Please can’t you find all the missing pieces and return my memories for me to keep.  No one should live in darkness wondering what had happen or how their life was shaped. These missing years were mine and mine alone and not for someone else to so cruelly take.

I walk alone down a path of darkness with fireflies casting little drops of light. But then there are so many secrets scattered on the pathway hidden  from my sight. It’s all so overwhelming trying to stop all the thoughts that scream inside my head. There are no answers for me just pain and confusion trying to sort out the life I lead.

I know from what I can remember my path has been filled with much hardship and pain. I know I seen many days of sunshine but mostly I have faced the bitter cold and rain. What did they do to me that caused me to hide and protect myself by blocking out the past.  Without knowing all these answers I know my need to search will remain and my pain will always last.

I need someone to take my hand and walk with me for I must never be alone. Although I need and want to find these missing years I must not do it on my own. This lost and innocent woman needs someone when the past resurfaces to dry her falling tears. So please come and let me lean on you  and walk slowly while I search for my missing years.

 

©KathBaiR ……From Lost of Innocence

post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, blah blah blah ……. What if?

Yes I have been diagnosed with all of the above and yes I suffer with it every day of my life but you don’t really want to hear that do you?

You would rather I didn’t talk about it and the reason I am like what I am because that way you wouldn’t have to think about it or show me any compassion. You would rather I didn’t embarrass everyone by acting like someone who has a mental illness and just say I am in pain so therefore I get down sometimes.

How would it make you feel if I told you the reason I am like I am and have a mental illness is because I was psychically and mentally abused for over thirty years?

What if I told you that P.T.S.D means this; Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)  a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event either experiencing it or witnessing it?

What if I reminded you that I live with chronic pain every day of my life now and just three minutes before the photo below was taken, I lay in the tub and thought about suicide

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What if I told you that last week I thought about suicide too  and played out the scenario in my mind of how me being gone would affect certain people?

What if I told you I don’t  want to die and neither do most of the people that have considered or already taken their life?. What if I told you what we want is understanding and extra care in a world that have treated us with such cruelty? We don’t need to hear “oh it happen years ago your safe now so be happy” or to be told that we are just seeking attention. You may not be able to save everyone not even half but.

What if ?