Independence Day

Today 16 years ago I walked out of a life that had broken and battered me so bad. It had stolen my identity, voice and soul. I hate looking back to it but today is a good day to glance back if only to say “Fuck you asshole, I can have a life without you and its so much better than anything you ever threw my way. The day I left I started a journey that has surpassed anything I could have ever imagined that day!

The abuse that I suffered for 28 years have left its scars and the few memories I do have of that time comes back as monsters that rip and tear through my body and mind and leave me some night in a crumpled mess but today is not the day to dwell on that.

I left the small town I had lived in and then left the island I had lived all my life and the rest of the story is beautiful 🙂

I met my now husband online and right from day one we both knew we were meant to be together. We met in person 4 months after we met online and its now almost 16 years together.

I love him like I have never loved before and I feel a love from him that brings tears to my eyes just to think of. He is my best friend, lover, companion and safe place. He challenges me daily to be strong, brave, soft and loveable in the most peaceful and quiet way I have ever seen.

I’ve been to 27 states and lived in 5 of them and we are now back in Ontario Canada but the US will always be where I want to be because its there I had my first real home

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So today I celebrate my freedom and the wonderful life I have now. I celebrate my braveness for walking away that day. I celebrate the strong woman I have become and I celebrate that I had the courage to let myself be loved and to allow myself to love. Happy Independence Day to me!!!!!

 

 

 

Cheers to me and the wonderful man that showed me what true unconditional love is all about!

 

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I remember the days ✓

Have you ever been humbled first thing in the morning by a comment someone makes or a comment you see online. Well it happen to me today.

I have be going around the last couple of years now wondering if there was a God, sometimes denying it  and how silly it all was and blaming the non-existent god for every wrong thing that was going on in my life. I blamed him for all my pain, for all my financial troubles and all the over all conditions of my life.

Then yesterday one of my best friend in the world  messaged and told me she was in the hospital and I got really scared and said “Please God look after Melissa” and that was the start of my reminder that yes I can pray and when I do sometimes shit happens.

Then this morning I laid in bed and was thinking of all my pain and other troubles and I found myself saying “God help me please”. Now let me finish before you all start thinking praise Jesus she is getting religious because that will never happen, you will never see me in a church ( I hate that word so much I feel like I need to rinse my mouth) I am also sure that the God that they talk about is  not the same as my idea of the word God

So I got up and came out to my computer to find a number to cancel an appointment I had made and when I was done I went to Instagram and this comment below was what I seen and it stopped me dead in my tracks and demanded I think about what it said.Image1.jpg god

I started to remember the days when I prayed for someone to come get me and love me so many years ago  and now I live with him everyday ✓

I remember the days on a dirt road in Newfoundland when I saw my life being taken and praying for it not to happen and here I am still alive ✓

I remember the days praying for happiness and safety and watched as it happen ✓

I remember the days I felt so alone and praying for Mike to recover from his head injury  and then watched him recover ✓

I remember the days praying when we didn’t know where money was going to come from  and watching as the impossible happened ✓

I remember the days when I made plans to move back to Canada and praying it would happen and now I live in Canada ✓

I remember the days praying for a place where I could rest and enjoy while I got over my depressions  and I live in the country with a porch ✓

I remember days when praying as doors closed and watching new and better ones open ✓

I am still really sure that maybe the God that we were taught to believe in and what we were told he stands for does not exist but I do believe in praying, whether its just saying it and having faith it will happen or as simple as wishing on a star

“When You Wish Upon A Star”

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do 

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wished upon a star
Your dreams come true

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

When you wish upon a star
Your dream comes true

So ya I write poems too

Sitting alone trying so hard to understand my life and how this came to be.  Searching for someone to understand how living with this emptiness feels to me. Living so alone missing so many memories not knowing which way I should go. Why can’t someone help me find my past a past that I know had hurt me so.

Why can’t someone turn the key and unlock the terrible secrets buried deep. Please can’t you find all the missing pieces and return my memories for me to keep.  No one should live in darkness wondering what had happen or how their life was shaped. These missing years were mine and mine alone and not for someone else to so cruelly take.

I walk alone down a path of darkness with fireflies casting little drops of light. But then there are so many secrets scattered on the pathway hidden  from my sight. It’s all so overwhelming trying to stop all the thoughts that scream inside my head. There are no answers for me just pain and confusion trying to sort out the life I lead.

I know from what I can remember my path has been filled with much hardship and pain. I know I seen many days of sunshine but mostly I have faced the bitter cold and rain. What did they do to me that caused me to hide and protect myself by blocking out the past.  Without knowing all these answers I know my need to search will remain and my pain will always last.

I need someone to take my hand and walk with me for I must never be alone. Although I need and want to find these missing years I must not do it on my own. This lost and innocent woman needs someone when the past resurfaces to dry her falling tears. So please come and let me lean on you  and walk slowly while I search for my missing years.

 

©KathBaiR ……From Lost of Innocence

post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, blah blah blah ……. What if?

Yes I have been diagnosed with all of the above and yes I suffer with it every day of my life but you don’t really want to hear that do you?

You would rather I didn’t talk about it and the reason I am like what I am because that way you wouldn’t have to think about it or show me any compassion. You would rather I didn’t embarrass everyone by acting like someone who has a mental illness and just say I am in pain so therefore I get down sometimes.

How would it make you feel if I told you the reason I am like I am and have a mental illness is because I was psychically and mentally abused for over thirty years?

What if I told you that P.T.S.D means this; Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)  a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event either experiencing it or witnessing it?

What if I reminded you that I live with chronic pain every day of my life now and just three minutes before the photo below was taken, I lay in the tub and thought about suicide

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What if I told you that last week I thought about suicide too  and played out the scenario in my mind of how me being gone would affect certain people?

What if I told you I don’t  want to die and neither do most of the people that have considered or already taken their life?. What if I told you what we want is understanding and extra care in a world that have treated us with such cruelty? We don’t need to hear “oh it happen years ago your safe now so be happy” or to be told that we are just seeking attention. You may not be able to save everyone not even half but.

What if ?

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

There are people in this world today who will try to tell you that for your own good you should forgive those abusers that beat us on a daily basis, the people that have hurt you emotionally to the core of your soul, the perverts who rape us, the pedophile who molest our children and the murderers that kill our love ones.

They say it’s only hurting us not to forgive but I am here to tell you another way based on my life and my experience, a way based on true facts.

I am 58 years old living my life as normally as one can who is suffering from chronic pain and a significance number of mental illnesses brought on by one or more of the cruel f&*kheads mentioned above. I have my share of hard times and I have moved pass the things that happen to me as much as one possibly can but its not because of I forgave because that is something I will never do. If the dying piece of sh#ts asked for my forgiveness on their dying bed I would just say “forgive yourself A$$wipes” and walk away. Like I said before,  my life is filled with hard times but it is also filled with times of great blessing and forgiving didn’t play a role in any

7955468fba3e1ab131d60b7e56b4e8b4                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Why do people, mostly christains tell us that we should forgive, is it because they know that by forgiving their overall health and life has become better or just because that is what they were conditioned to believe you should do?

Don’t forget and never forgive  Never give the people who hurt you an excuse or pass for them to justify what they did.

Forgiveness frees them not you