Who made you god? You don’t own me.

I WANT PAIN PILLS!!! Who do you think you are doctor of mine? Who gave you the right to decide how much pain I have to bear? Who gave you the wisdom to even think that if you gave me a higher dose of pain medication I would become addicted and one day roam the streets slutting myself for a fix?.

Every damn miserable day of my life I am suffering in pain and you take your pen and write me my allotment of comfort like you are the blessed drug dealer of medicine.

Tramadol/Ace 37.5/325 mg just enough opioid to render a snail helpless and a high dose of acetaminophen made only to leave your liver and kidneys shriveled and useless. So explain to me again why I can’t have a reasonable  dose of pain medication.

Why do you think it’s okay for me to live everyday in pain and refuse me any sensible plan of relief but to write prescriptions for me to abuse the high dose of acetaminophen and render vital organs of my body to uselessness.

Can you just take away my misery and let me be a painless unhappy drug addict.

I’M TRYING, I REALLY AM

I just got through, no, got through sounds like some kind of victory.  I just crawled while crying and begging for death through two of the most painful days I have had since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I can honestly say I know how it feels when every fiber of your body is hurting, not something I wanted the distinct honor of proclaiming but I know nevertheless.

I have to confess when you are laying in bed and the only thing that is mildly working is your brain and its reasoning and facts are somewhat distorted, you come up with a lot of crazy shit. For example the few minutes I sent myself in a free falling panic when I thought about how having a terminal illness would be easier to deal with because at least there was a foreseeable ending.

Although there are rare days when I  can actually make it through a day without the aid of pain medication or when walking down the hallway to the bathroom doesn’t seem like a hike on the Appalachian Trail, days when I act like I’m a normal overweight fifty nine year old who has slowed down a little with age and extra padding, there are actually hundreds of more days when I cry,  get angry and flip off a maybe existing god that could be so cruel to let the remaining of my days be so painful.

I have so many start over positive days I’ve lost count. I try  not to let the pain get the best of me and send me into a depression but it seems the fight is getting harder everyday. I fight to hang on to my life and on days when I feel maybe thirty percent of a person my age and extra padding level would feel, I work like a son of a bitch to prove to everyone around me and of course to the maybe existing god and myself that I am normal, so fuck you!

Then the next few days I am sent to my bed to cry and hurt while I think about all the things I did wrong on my somewhat good day.

Living with fibromyalgia is not easy, its a struggle everyday even *good days* and when you see me and I can carry on a conversation and shop at a thrift store for an hour or ride in my car as a passenger of course for a couple of hour or go grocery shopping,  please know I am trying my best and before I left home I prepared for my day by taking double doses of pain medication, put on a bra that doesn’t feel like its digging into my body and will have to be surgically removed and nine chances out of ten no panties because I can’t stand the feel of the elastic on my skin and a handicap sticker so I won’t have to walk as far back to the car. ……………..hereiam

Bloom damn it Bloom :)

I have no idea what is happening to me but the last few days I have been enjoying life so much. It all started when Mike had to have a hernia repair surgery last Wednesday, it was something I was dreading because I was scared that now I was going to have to step up and look after Mike and do things like drive the car, take out the trash, feed the fur babies and lift all things heavy!

Well day one I got up and Mike drove to the hospital and they got him prepped for surgery. Once they took him into the operating room I decided to go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch and this may sound weird but I was scared, not of the surgery but me without Mike …. I made my way to the cafeteria safely and as I eat my lunch I thought about how dependent I had become on Mike because of my illnesses. I looked around and I saw other woman even older than me just walking around and doing things that I had long given up because of my pain.

Then I thought how unfair to myself and Mike I had become, I had let pain win and was slowly giving up my independence that I had worked so hard to obtain  and piled so much on Mike. Now let me be cleared Mike has never complained once about doing things for me and having to go everywhere I wanted or had to go but come on we all know it had to be tiring.

I decided right then and there to start getting my life back and take some worries from the wonderful man in surgery. I love him so much and he is my best friend and yes I always want to share every part of my life with him and be a part of his life forever

He came out of surgery and I actually found my way back to his room and visited with him for a couple of hours and then left to drive home. I drove all the way home myself and done all the things that Mike would usually do and I was fine. I even stayed up an hour later then I normally would and slept so good, with the light left on in the closet of course 🙂

The next few days I drove back to the hospital got Mike and then drove to another near by town and got groceries and got them up over the stairs myself. It hurt a lot doing that but I learned not to get so many groceries at once 🙂 Yesterday Mike and I went to the lake and I even walked the beaches and had a great time.

I know I have a lot of things going on right now with my knees, mental issues and fibromyalgia pain but I am not going to let it steal my life. I want to move back home (USA) more than anyone could ever imagine but I am taking one day at a time and learning to ……….

 

bloom

 

 

Hooray!!! It’s the Sun

Sweet Jeebus, the sun is out today. It seems so long since it’s last appearance I thought it may have left us for good. I am still pushing forward to spring and believe it or not I am applying for my permanent resident card to move to the US. My husband is a citizen of the US and I have lived down there before for close to ten years. I lived in Montana, Idaho, Arizona, Colorado and Utah for a short time. We moved back up here to Ontario Canada around five years ago to settle down and be close to my family but my husband and I miss the mountains and being close to all the fun things like the Oregon Coast!

It’s a little scary in the US right now so matter what side of the *wall* you happen to find yourself but I’m hoping in the end the great United States of America will win, so I am getting my PR card and settling down over west somewhere.

I still have to deal with some issues but I hope being around such beautiful places and not being so isolated I will be able to handle to handle all that

I know this post seems boring but I had to make that step and put it in writing that we are going. Wish me luck that it won’t be a long wait!

Sometimes it’s as simple as “Tea on Toast”

Have you ever felt like you didn’t exist or belong in a certain place anymore? I know a lot of you may say yes to that question but have you ever felt like  you could change your name, location and disappear from everyone around you now and maybe one or two people would even notice?

I often look back over my shoulder to see where I came from and where I am now and usually here lately I turn my head back forward and I feel nothing but thankfulness.This time when I looked back over my shoulder I lingered too long and just like real life if you turn your neck for too long it gets cramped and it makes it hard to move it. Well that’s what happen to me, instead of the quick glances that I have been taking lately to just see my near by past, I looked and looked until I was back so far the path ahead became far away.

I looked back over troubled times and how much I have lost in just these last 5 years. I analysed relationships and pondered over how alone and isolated I felt. Needless to say I then began to see myself in a very bad light. I thought how I must be such a bad person, a person so hard to love, a person that didn’t really matter to anyone.

I have to say before I go any further that I have the most wonderful, loving, caring husband on earth and the days since I met him where I felt isolated or alone because of him are very few and some of those few days were my own doing. I love him and I never doubt his love.

I just have to get my neck back around all the way and come to a conclusion that all of my hurts, disappointments and heartbreaks are not always because I did something wrong or I made bad choices. Sometimes  I may have done everything right and I am a good person whose life got affected by other people who made bad choices maybe because of their hurt.

I am still depressed but still fighting it now by looking more forward while I still remain in the present. I see that I have a lot to be thankful for and I am not unlovable or a bad person and I do matter. “I am enough”

That’s my thoughts for today, now I’m off to get a slice of toast and pour tea over it and cover it with sugar because someone reminded me how I felt when I would eat that as a child.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

There are people in this world today who will try to tell you that for your own good you should forgive those abusers that beat us on a daily basis, the people that have hurt you emotionally to the core of your soul, the perverts who rape us, the pedophile who molest our children and the murderers that kill our love ones.

They say it’s only hurting us not to forgive but I am here to tell you another way based on my life and my experience, a way based on true facts.

I am 58 years old living my life as normally as one can who is suffering from chronic pain and a significance number of mental illnesses brought on by one or more of the cruel f&*kheads mentioned above. I have my share of hard times and I have moved pass the things that happen to me as much as one possibly can but its not because of I forgave because that is something I will never do. If the dying piece of sh#ts asked for my forgiveness on their dying bed I would just say “forgive yourself A$$wipes” and walk away. Like I said before,  my life is filled with hard times but it is also filled with times of great blessing and forgiving didn’t play a role in any

7955468fba3e1ab131d60b7e56b4e8b4                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Why do people, mostly christains tell us that we should forgive, is it because they know that by forgiving their overall health and life has become better or just because that is what they were conditioned to believe you should do?

Don’t forget and never forgive  Never give the people who hurt you an excuse or pass for them to justify what they did.

Forgiveness frees them not you

Staying Real for 2017

Here we go for another year. I’m sitting here thinking about how I want my blog to look this coming year and what I want to write about.

I have decided that the reason blogging is kind of taking a back seat to other social media is because why not check out your status or tweet than go into a long boring paragraph after paragraph of how your day is going. People are been overwhelm to the point where they would just go to a place where a photo explains your life.

My blog in 2017 is going to be a place where I can go and write what I am passionate about, maybe one day it may be how I feel about domestic violence, the next day it may be my views on religion or my struggle with mental illness. I want to be real this coming year and although some of the things may offend some people, to me they are my passions and what makes me “me”.

4512-osho-quote-be-don-t-try-to-become