Sometimes it’s as simple as “Tea on Toast”

Have you ever felt like you didn’t exist or belong in a certain place anymore? I know a lot of you may say yes to that question but have you ever felt like  you could change your name, location and disappear from everyone around you now and maybe one or two people would even notice?

I often look back over my shoulder to see where I came from and where I am now and usually here lately I turn my head back forward and I feel nothing but thankfulness.This time when I looked back over my shoulder I lingered too long and just like real life if you turn your neck for too long it gets cramped and it makes it hard to move it. Well that’s what happen to me, instead of the quick glances that I have been taking lately to just see my near by past, I looked and looked until I was back so far the path ahead became far away.

I looked back over troubled times and how much I have lost in just these last 5 years. I analysed relationships and pondered over how alone and isolated I felt. Needless to say I then began to see myself in a very bad light. I thought how I must be such a bad person, a person so hard to love, a person that didn’t really matter to anyone.

I have to say before I go any further that I have the most wonderful, loving, caring husband on earth and the days since I met him where I felt isolated or alone because of him are very few and some of those few days were my own doing. I love him and I never doubt his love.

I just have to get my neck back around all the way and come to a conclusion that all of my hurts, disappointments and heartbreaks are not always because I did something wrong or I made bad choices. Sometimes  I may have done everything right and I am a good person whose life got affected by other people who made bad choices maybe because of their hurt.

I am still depressed but still fighting it now by looking more forward while I still remain in the present. I see that I have a lot to be thankful for and I am not unlovable or a bad person and I do matter. “I am enough”

That’s my thoughts for today, now I’m off to get a slice of toast and pour tea over it and cover it with sugar because someone reminded me how I felt when I would eat that as a child.

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