What is happening to me

I woke up this morning feeling good. My mind was more clearer than it has been for awhile, I still had my pain but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.

I don’t know what is happening to be since I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia it seems I go through period when the pain is so unbearable I cry and beg God to help me I also get into some kind of mind fog where I stumble through the days putting vegetable in the freezer part of my fridge instead of the vegetable drawer and open the cabinet doors above my microwave to put something in there to reheat. I stand at my fridge with the door open for so long sometimes wondering what I wanted the alarm goes off for the door.

I don’t know how to handle this new me. I struggle with spelling and sometime I will type words that is not at all what I was supposing to be typing. I get so frustrated with myself I mumble insults to myself about myself. I guess now I talk to myself.

I miss me, that would go to a movie theater and watch a two hour movie or go for long drives and enjoy every moment. I miss me, that could walk through flea markets for hours. I miss me, that had the most beautiful relationship with my husband. I miss all the things we did, some I can talk about and some you don’t want me to talk about.

Where is that me? I told Mike yesterday after going out and getting groceries and coming back in pain that this was my life now forever and eternity and just to hear myself say those words made ME cry

“I have been hanging here headless for so long that the body has forgotten
why or where or when it happened and the toes walk along in shoes
that do not care”   –Charles Bukowski

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